For what it's worth
by Cilvanti
Summary: Isabela has left the group with the relic, and the decision has more impact on Hawke and her favorite elf than she would like to admit. Rogue F!Hawke x Fenris. Please read and review! Rated M for language and smut in later chapters!
1. The letter of loss

**For what it's worth**

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**The letter of loss**

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**A/N: Hello there! I wrote in 'You, me and us' that I had an idea in mind for a new story. Well, this is the first chapter, still working on where to go to with the story but I got the main idea. **

**Please read and review! **

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_Dear Hawke,_

I have the relic, and am gone. I'm sorry it has to be this way. You've been a loyal ally, but this is best for us both. You promised me the relic, and I know you'll fight Castillon for me, but I don't want this. I've dragged you too far into this mess already.

You don't have to forgive me, but I hope you understand.

_Isabela'_

"She left!" Aveline was the first to react to the letter that was found on the body. Isabela left the group. She got the relic, as Marian Hawke promised her, but instead of staying with the group, she left.

And all Hawke could feel at that moment was loss.

Not because she lost a friend, for some reason Hawke saw this coming from miles away. It was not because she couldn't return to the Qunari what was theirs, because she knew she would find a way to make them move out of Kirkwall.

It was simply because of the look Fenris gave to the letter when he read it.

Sure, there were signs here and there that told her he and Isabela were more than just friends, but to actually see him hurt over the departure of the pirate friend was something that just tore Marian apart.

The one she loves, loves someone else. It was as simple as that. She had no chance to get his affection, simply because his affection was with someone else. Their one night together would never be repeated.

She moved on, went to the Qunari to talk to them and make them leave one way or the other, all the while wearing a mask to hide her emotions.

The talk Aveline tried to have with the Arishok didn't go as planned, and even more chaos broke out.

And if it wasn't bad enough that she just had her heart broken, the one man she would always love had suggested a fight to the death between the Arishok and herself. Does she really mean that little to him? Of course she agrees, because she wants to please Fenris and show her worth in a very wicked way, but she couldn't possibly win this, right?

It was heart over mind, emotions over logic. The Arishok was quite big and strong and had one very large weapon with a large reach.

She was quite small and not that strong. She was flexible and had two small daggers on her, she was a rogue, not a god damned soldier like Fenris! She wasn't a mage either. She needed to be close to her enemy if she wanted to do any damage.

And how would she ever get close to that freaking Arishok if he had reach?

It was too late to go back now, she was already standing in fighting position and saw the Arishok heading her way fast.

She was slammed into the wall and then slammed against the ground. She hardly had time to stand up before he slammed her back again. It took her a few second to be able to roll away from the next slam. And while he was trying to search for her as she was hiding behind the pillar, she was sneaking a peak at Fenris, who was concentrating on the fight as well. He saw her but showed no emotions, even though she was already quite beaten.

'_Who am I kidding? Isabela is sexy, persuasive, funny, smart and knows what she does under the sheets. I am none of the above and I lack the knowledge of sex. Why would he ever be interested in me?'_

Anger shot through her at that thought and she ran towards the Arishok, making sure to hold her dagger tightly, then jumped onto his back and slid his throat before stabbing her dagger into the back of his neck.

He was dead, another title gained and another threat less, yet it could have been avoided if Isabela hadn't left.

That was it. She was done for today. Her limbs were hardly moving from the several hits she got, but she moved on, only accepting the support of Aveline.

The looks she got from Fenris were unbearable, as if he was blaming her for Isabela's decision to leave.

'_What do you expect? That letter was for you, it had YOUR name on it, not his. He didn't even get a goodbye. Of course he blames you, your ARE to blame. YOU did this!' _

She shook her head, trying to clear her mind and trying her best to avoid Fenris's gaze.

The moment she got home she moved to sit on her bed. Her head rested in her hands and her fingers went through her hair as she tried to forget the night of passion she had with Fenris. She tried to forget the looks she received from him, the looks she thought were looks of lust but were probably looks of disgust or hate.

She tried to forget the way she trusted her friends, the comments they made about sharing the bed together, the jokes made and the threats spoken between Fenris and Anders. Anders… would he still be interested in her?

Would she be interested in him? He was good looking. But just as Fenris, Anders also thought in black and white.

Fenris hated Anders's guts, and visa versa. And Fenris already hated her guts, so why even think of trying to get his attention? It was over. It is done.

Marian looked at the ceiling as a sigh escaped her lips, then felt her lips start to quiver as tears rolled down her cheeks in silence. She lost him. She always had the hope, the wish, the dream that Fenris would come her way and apologise for leaving, explain the reason for his departure before they would make up and move on together. Of course that was a fantasy, a dream that would never come true.

It was clear to her now why he left, she wasn't good enough. She would never be good enough. Not for him. Not for anyone. She made the wrong decisions and that had an impact on the whole group.

She lay down on her bed and looked at the fireplace, the spot where he stood before he left. She curled up, holding her knees to her chest to try and ease the feeling of her heart breaking while she drifted off into a restless sleep.


	2. Mixed signals

**Mixed signals**

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**A/N: I got the idea to write this chapter by NoMadKa. NoMadKa asked if there would be a chapter with Fenris's p.o.v. on this… and because I liked the idea, here it is! **

**Read and review please!**

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He could see it in Hawke's eyes that she was in pain. Did she have that much faith in Isabela that she had thought she would stay even after getting the relic? Was she that naïve? It angered him to see her in pain. It angered him to see her pained looks going his way, and it angered him that she seemed to be angry at him.

As soon as he read the letter, he got agitated. Everyone in this group was loyal to Hawke. She had done her best to help everyone in whatever situation they were in, even if it wasn't helping herself, yet Isabela left as soon as she got that relic.

He grumbled under his breath, cursing the pirate in several languages he knew, and then kept his gaze to the ground just to avoid the looks of pain and anger he got from Hawke. Yes, he knew Isabela and he used to comment about sharing a bed together, and he has to admit it happened once, but it was nothing compared to the experience he had with Marian Hawke. She was the one who had his full attention, she was the one plaguing his dreams at night and his thoughts during the day. She was the one he was attracted to, not Isabela.

Yet it seemed Hawke was now more interested in Anders. That blasted abomination.

What did she see in him? Why would she go after a demon possessed man?

That angered him even more.

The moment they arrived at the Arishok to 'talk things over', he was the one that knew their ways and he knew the only way to correct this problem was to do a battle of life or death. Marian was one of the greatest fighters he knew, so of course, for the best chance to succeed, he gave the idea of Hawke fighting the Arishok. And as expected, they both accepted.

Marian didn't seem to be concentrated, and that worried him till no end. He kept his face neutral, he didn't want to distract her during her fight, but as she looked his way and when their eyes locked, he couldn't help but hold his breath. She had to come out of this alive.

"Mage, you better be ready to rescue her." He muttered under his breath. Both Anders and himself kept their eyes locked on the fight, but Anders nodded in silence. That was the moment Marian decided to strike. Her movement was flawless, limber, perfect. She got the Arishok, took him down, then left with grace even though one arm was wrapped around Aveline for support.

He followed Aveline and Hawke to Hawke's estate, making sure she got home, before moving to his 'home'.

The moment he closed the doors behind him and was left alone in the blasted place, he growled and moved to grab a bottle of wine.

He took a couple of sips straight from the bottle before sitting down with his head between his hands.

Hawke.

The only person he could think of, the only thought he had, was about her.

Why was she so angry with him? Was it because Isabela left? But that wasn't his fault.

Yes, he had left Hawke after their…passionate night… only because he needed to sort his mind. It was all too fast, but he loved her. He still loves her. Why didn't she see that God damn it?!

Yet there she was, flirting openly with Anders in front of him during missions and in their evenings at the hanged man.

Is he sharing the bed with her? Is he making her feel like he did? Is her making her moan out in pleasure? Are his fingertips stroking her skin? Are his kisses touching her neck?

That night of passion, he still remembers it like it was yesterday. He always would.

Her touch made the pain go away, her kisses made him want more. The way she looked just made him want to keep her close and made him want to claim her as his. It was wrong of him, she was no one's property, but damn it, that was the feeling he got!

He remembered the way she looked, naked, on her bed, in front of him. Her back arching towards him as he touched her breasts, the way she moaned as he pinched her nipples. She moaned while his fingers moved downwards, biting her lip and sucking in her breath as he touched her clit with two fingers. Her whispers of his name as he slid his fingers inside of her still makes him close his eyes. The thoughts, they plagued his mind at night and would probably never leave.

He tried to make them go away with one night of pure lust with Isabela, but what he had with Hawke was more than lust, and not even the pirate could make that go away.

He still remembers the way he pinned her down with both arms above her head as he started to slide inside of her. She looked so beautiful at that moment. A blush on her cheeks and her breath came out in quick gasps while her eyes were closed. She was enjoying the moment like he was.

When the memories started to come and go, that was the moment he started to move faster in and out of her. That was the moment she started to scream out his name in pleasure. And that was the moment he lost himself.

He growled and threw the bottle he was drinking from against the wall. This pain, this anger he was holding inside, he knew he couldn't hold it for much longer. But what was he to do?

Hawke needed her time, she made that clear with her distance and angry faces. And he never dared to talk about that night, because he didn't know exactly how to explain. He was a coward, he betrayed her trust by sleeping with Isabela, and now that same woman left because of… because of what exactly? Was it him? Was it the group?

Was it because she wanted more than she could get?

That was probably it, she got the damned relic and now went to find another sucker to help her get whatever more she thought belonged to her.

She used Hawke, she was never a true friend. Was she? Was it him then? Was it because he only shared one night with her and no more? Was it because he confessed to her what he felt for Hawke?

Women, they confuse him and anger him at the same time.

Another sleepless night it seems.

Fenris looked outside and noticed the lights at Hawke's estate were still on as well. She was probably having Anders over, the blasted mage. He growled at the idea and marched to get more wine from the cellar. Tonight would be filled with drinking and thinking.


End file.
